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December 10, 2013

Obama knows if you've been bad or good

Cary Brunsweick

COOPERSTOWN —

“This weather is terrible,’’ the president said to an aide as he boarded Air Force One for his flight to the North Pole. “I was expecting all this snow and ice up there, but not here in Washington.’’

The president scheduled the meeting with Santa Claus a month earlier. He met Santa about a dozen years ago at a mall outside Chicago but had not had a chance to talk to him since then, and he wanted to offer the jolly fellow some advice.

The aide, Steve, told the president that Hilda, the winter storm, was expected to move through quickly and should not delay the flight.

“Hilda,’’ the president repeated with annoyance. “Who is naming these winter storms, anyway? It is ridiculous. Can’t we put a stop to it?’’

Steve replied that, yes, as president, he could probably pressure the Weather Channel to stop naming the storms. “But I wouldn’t recommend it, sir. You know the Republicans would fight it, and besides, even the liberals would say it was censorship or some kind of civil rights violation.’’

“Yes, you are probably right,’’ the president said. “After all, people can still read whatever they desire, watch the TV shows they want and freely use the Internet, text and e-mail.’’ Then, chuckling, “NSA may be spying on what people are doing, but at least we let them do it.’’

After the jet was cleared for take-off, sped down the runway and reached cruising altitude, Steve asked the president about his first meeting with Santa back in 2002.

“Well, it was sort of embarrassing,’’ the president said, and he related how he and his wife took their oldest daughter to the mall so she could see Santa. Though only 4, he said, his daughter wanted to ask Santa for a popular video game that showed Americans killing Arabs.

“I didn’t want her exposed to that kind of stuff, so I took Santa aside during a break and asked him to disregard that item from my daughter’s wish list. Of course, it was all for naught. A year later, my predecessor invaded Iraq and, in real life, we started killing tens of thousands of Arabs.’’

The president told Steve he wanted to read and doze for the remainder of the flight, but when alone he snuck out his laptop and tried again to get on the government’s new health-insurance website. He enjoyed a lengthy nap while waiting to connect.

Santa was pacing the corridors at the North Pole’s frigid airport when Air Force One slid down on the runway, which was kept icy because of all the upcoming sleigh traffic. It was Santa’s busiest time of the year and the elves were complaining about how they can barely survive on minimum wage. So, he was somewhat annoyed that the president wanted to visit now.

“Hello Mr. President,’’ Santa said, taking off his white gloves as he greeted the visitor with a handshake. “I’m honored by your presence, but I checked your daughters’ lists and you needn’t worry. No violent video games. In fact, they both asked for DVDs on creative thinking, because they said they were spending all their time in school preparing for standardized tests.’’

“That’s fine,’’ the president said, “but I’m sick of hearing complaints about Common Core. That’s not why I wanted to talk to you, anyway. I have a plan that should help you get all your work on Christmas Eve done more efficiently.’’

Santa smiled between his rosy cheeks and said he would welcome anything to make his job easier.

“Great,’’ the president said, explaining how he was looking for peacetime uses for the government’s drones. “Eventually, we’ll end the fighting in the Middle East, but there’s something to be said for these planes that don’t need a pilot on board. They are so precise. Just think, you could sit here at the North Pole in front of a computer screen and get all the presents delivered by drones.’’

Santa’s interest was piqued. He told the president that Donner, Blitzen and the other reindeer were getting older, so going high-tech with pilot-less mini-jets could be a solution.

But at the same time, Santa was skeptical. “I’m curious, Mr. President. How can you be sure you are dropping the presents at the right locations? There could be some real mix-ups.’’

“Well,’’ the president said, “I’m afraid there would always be some collateral errors with gifts.’’

Santa replied: “I believe I’ll have to pass on your offer, Mr. President. Just one mistake is one too many when I think of the hurt on a child’s face.’’

Cary Brunswick, of Oneonta, is a freelance writer and editor. He can be reached at brunswick@earthling.net. The views expressed in this column do not necessarily reflect those of The Daily Star and its editorial board.