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December 17, 2013

We need a redneck in the White House

By Chuck Pinkey
The Daily Star

---- — I was recently watching one of those focus group talk shows, and noticed a pencil-necked fellow with a week-old beard, uncombed hair and a disgusted look on his face. I said to my wife, “See that unhappy, scraggly looking young man? He’s got to be a liberal.”

Being a lifelong Buffalo Bills fan, I know a loser when I see one. When asked how he felt about the direction the country is going, he replied that he was delighted with the election of an African-American and hoped we would follow the same progressive trend and elect a woman as president in 2016.

How stupid is that! First of all, he didn’t answer the question, and secondly, to vote for a president because of race or gender is inane. If you needed brain surgery, would you pick a doctor based on race or gender, or would you opt for the doctor with the best education and most experience?

However, always trying to be progressive and open-minded, maybe it is time we had a president from my ethnic group. After all, we’ve had an African-American community organizer, white oil tycoons, an actor, peanut farmer and beaucoup career politicians, but we have never had a tried and true Redneck as Commander-in-Chief.

Wouldn’t it be refreshing to have someone put a hand on the Bible, swear to uphold the Constitution, and really mean it?

I can hear his inaugural address. “Listen up! For too long, you folks here in Washington have had it your way. Let me remind you that you are here to serve the people; they are not here to serve you!

“We will start by living within our means. You boys spend $3.7 trillion dollars a year and apparently, that’s not enough, but that’s all you’re gonna get, so make do! If the people running your departments can’t get the job done with $3.7 trillion, then I’ll fire their butts and hire folks that can get it done.

“We have laws, and we will enforce them! If you are here illegally, then you are here illegally, and therefore, a criminal. Any questions? If you have been behaving yourself, get down to the immigration office, let them know who you are, and we might give you favorable treatment. If you’ve been a troublesome sumofagun, haul your butt south pronto, because the border is closing tomorrow!

“To our friends and allies abroad: Start acting like it! To our enemies and potential foes: Mess with us and your world will end quicker that flipping a burger on a barbeque!

“You folks at the UN better beware. I hear much more BS outta you and Manhattan will have a new parking lot. You can relocate to Bangladesh, France, or go to Hollywood and be extras in the next Star Trek movie.

“To those of you who are just plain lazy and have looked to Washington for support for years or even generations, things are gonna change. We’ve got too many people riding in the wagon and not enough pulling. It’s time to provide for yourself!

“By the way, those of you wanting the government to raise the minimum wage to $15 per hour, I have a novel idea. Get yourself a job that is worth $15 an hour!

“Enough said. Thanks for coming. It’s time to get to work.”

Later that night, instead of spending hundreds of millions on inaugural balls like George W. and Obama, he’d have a simple celebration at VFWs and American Legions across the country. Not a bad idea! It’s about time we honored those that made America possible.

How about a Cabinet made up of Cooter, Elrod and Cleatus, but even better yet, fancy negotiating a peace treaty with a secretary of state named Billy Bob “Wildman” Tolbert? Just imagine a secretary of defense named Harley “Touch Down” Woodcock, who has more personal guns than Seal Team Six.

Furthermore, the Secret Service would no longer be needed, because the president and first lady (who, by the way, is his cousin) are armed and will happily provide their own security. Also, a Ford F350 Super Duty is 4WD, cheaper, and easier to fortify than a stretched Lincoln Town Car.

Air Force One would be camoed and Marine One could be painted blaze orange. Deer season would be extended to an astonishing 52 weeks a year with a graduated tax deduction beginning with a 6-pointer.

Yes sir, wouldn’t it be nice? Instead of spit and polish, lies and deceit, half-trues and spin, we’d have a plain-speaking, honest, down-to-earth Redneck in the Oval Office. You might not like what he says, but you’d know it would be the truth. Wouldn’t it be nice?

CHUCK PINKEY is a retired area businessman. He can be reached at chuck.ontherightside@gmail.com. The views expressed in this column do not necessarily reflect those of The Daily Star and its editorial board, but the author thinks they ought to.