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Chuck Pinkey

April 8, 2014

'Primitive' isn't such a bad thing

In a letter to The Daily Star, a gentleman named Bud from Fly Creek wrote a rather scathing article about my conservative beliefs, and compared me to a caveman.

Bud wrote, “I’ve just finished reading Chuck Pinkey’s column titled ‘Obama just isn’t cut out for president.’ I’m having a time-machine moment. Primitive Pinkey! I picture a little caveman running around, club over his shoulder, and a Glock tucked in his lionskin loincloth.”

I thought I’d have a “time-machine moment” myself, and interview my ancestor, “Primitive Pinkey.” I found this happy fellow and his family gutting a Mastodon (hunting prowess is hereditary), and read them Bud’s letter. Primitive Pinkey said, “Me like letter. Cave woman like too. Glock tucked in. It Ice age. Frostbit bad. Mm, Primitive Pinkey in lionskin loincloth? Ugh! Thought make clan sick.”

I asked him about the power structure of 10,000 BC, and he replied, “Leader of all clans is Rock Obama, and local clan leader is No Mo.” “How do you choose your leaders? “ I questioned. “Do you vote? Have universal suffrage?”

“Huh?” he said. Not giving up, I repeated slowly, “How do you choose your leaders?” He answered, “They have most clubs. Most arrows. Most wives. Most lies.” Well, some things never change.

“Rock Obama give meat, hides and firewood to cave people too lazy to hunt or fish. They sit in cave all day and eat and puxel.” he said. “Puxel? What is puxel?” I asked. Primitive Pinkey exclaimed, “You stupid. Not know puxel? Make baby cave people! Soon there be dozen clans eat and puxel all day.

“Local leader No Mo. He cave-skunk. He say we can carry only seven arrows in quiver. My brother stupid. He obey. He shoot mastodon seven times. Mastodon very mad. Stomp brother to mush.”

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