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Columns

June 14, 2008

Being picky about offers is no vice

Hello? Who is this?

Barack Obama? Hey, like you had to say "Obama." How many Baracks do you think I know?

Me? Oh, nothing much, Just sitting here watching the Yankees game when you called.

Huh? Oh, they're losing again, but what's that you're always talking about _ the audacity of hope? That's what those guys need if they expect to make the playoffs this season.

So, what's new with you?

Oh, yeah, I heard something about that. I knew you were running for something, I just wasn't sure what. She finally conceded, did she? Well, congratulations.

How are Michelle and the girls, good I hope? Oh, that's great. Hey, hang on a minute, will ya, Barack? Derek Jeter's up.

OK, sorry about that. No, he grounded out.

Well, anyway, what can I do for you?

Vice president?

Me?

Aw, gee, Barack, I don't know. I'm pretty busy. How much does the job pay?

Really, $208,100, plus $10,000 in taxable expenses? Not bad, not bad at all. Is that 10 grand to pay for flying me to all those funerals every time some foreign big shot kicks the bucket?

No? That's extra? That ain't too shabby. What about health care? No kidding, and dental, too? Wow.

But what would I have to do when I'm not going to funerals?

Oh, c'mon Barack, I'd feel weird doing nothing except hanging around just in case you die.

What was it old Cactus Jack Garner said about being Franklin Roosevelt's vice president _ that it wasn't worth a bucket of warm spit?

Heck, you and I both know he didn't really say "spit." But back then, the press used to help out a public servant if his language got a little blue.

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