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disABILITY

February 22, 2008

disABILITY: Fear of change can be crippling

(Continued)

Slowly over the years I was given more and more freedoms and independence back. But by that time I was more comfortable letting other people make all the decisions for me and didn't think I should actually trust myself to know what the right thing was for me and my life.

Then, by the time I reached college, I was handling things well enough that nobody questioned my abilities to handle myself. I didn't even question it much. I just knew it felt mighty awkward.

Then, as if my insecurities about starting college and having total control over my life again wasn't troubling me enough, I had real angst once I reached my ultimate swimming goals in 2000. I ended up quitting. I was just as scared as ever of the added changes it would bring into my life, but I also knew I couldn't continue torturing myself either.

I did obviously have a basic goal of finishing college at that point, but apathy really had set in. I hung on to that goal with the few strands that were left inside of me to hang on with. I just didn't have a clue what I was aiming for after that and that made me feel really unsure of myself.

I passed up the opportunity to do my internship after graduation, which would have given me the title of "registered dietitian." I just felt total apathy toward everything. I really didn't have any idea if I even wanted to become a dietitian anyway. It didn't feel right to me. The uncertainty and not having anyone to tell me what to do next depressed me even more.

Being stuck between a rock and a hard place was a pretty accurate description of where I felt I was in that period of my life. I wanted to embrace some kind of change, but at the same time I didn't know how to. In a way, I was still waiting for school administration, teachers and the parental unit to step in and give me all the answers.

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