The Daily Star, Oneonta, NY - otsego county news, delaware county news, oneonta news, oneonta sports

February 2, 2011

Time to stick it to the groundhog

Daily Star

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Enough, we say _ enough of the abominable weather we have endured throughout this winter of our discontent.

We pride ourselves on being hardy upstate New Yorkers, always ready with a dismissive sneer whenever our downstate brethren whine about getting a few inches of snow.

But this unending pattern of freezing temperatures and noisome snowfall is making us edgy to the point of being short-tempered.

Spring, we hasten to add, isn't until March 20, and even that doesn't mean much around here, where snowfall isn't unheard of deep into April.

So, something, we submit, must be done.

Our duty is clear. Even as the snow piles up in our driveways, atop our cars and in our streets, we must send a delegation to today's gathering in Punxsutawney, Pa., where since 1887 groundhogs have been predicting whether there will be another six weeks of winter.

These emissaries of ours should not be polite diplomats. No, we should send the toughest and most intimidating people we can find to persuade Punxsutawney Phil that it would not be in his best interests to see his shadow, and thus instigate six more weeks of this intolerable weather.

We think the conversation should go something like this:

"Look ... uhhh ... Phil ... we'd like a word with you. The word is 'don't.' Don't you even think about seeing your shadow.

"Listen, you miserable rodent, we know where you live. We also know folks who think roasted groundhog is some pretty good eatin'.

"You play ball with us, and nobody gets hurt. It's simple; when those guys in top hats rouse you from your warm, cozy den, you play dumb, see? You wander around a little, put on a little show, and then you go right back to sleep.

"Play your cards right, and there will be some extra lettuce in it for you, if you know what we mean.

"Cross us, Phil, and you'll be sorry. We are desperate people. We want to see the sunshine again, to ride our bikes and take leisurely walks on green grass.

"There, that's a good rodent. We knew you'd see things our way."

Assuming that kind of diplomacy is not totally successful, we'll just have to deal with what Mother Nature (whom we would not even think of threatening) sends us.

Let's make sure that when we clear the snow off our walkways, driveways and cars that we don't just toss all the stuff into the street, where it can become a hazard. Keep your snow on your own property and clean off your car before you start driving ... for probably at least six more weeks.