As proof that the plight of perennial-bridesmaid Jane in the film "27 Dresses" is more truth than fiction, the Internet abounds with blogs and forums detailing the ways in which "the happiest day of your life" _ or someone else's _ can quickly turn into a nightmare.
The website Etiquette Hell, "the Internet's largest repository of bad manners," has a special section devoted to weddings, with subcategories such as "Bridezillas and Groomonsters," "Tacky Toasts" and the "Bridesmaid Dress Incinerator," where viewers can submit photos to win the title of Ugliest Dress.
Another website,
www.uglydress.com, could have singlehandedly inspired the film starring Katherine Heigl, featuring gown after gown that defy all logic and taste.
Naturally, common sense can help the troubled bride in most of these instances. No matter how many people tell you "It's your special day," it doesn't hurt to remember that there are other actual human beings involved in these proceedings.
So if you are contemplating a "Star Trek"-themed wedding, at which your cousins and college roommates will be asked to dress up as Klingon ushers and Vulcan bridesmaids, ask yourself if it's really worth it to alienate your loved ones just to get what you want.
Jeanne Hamilton,
creator of
www.etiquettehell.com, author of "Wedding Etiquette Hell" and professional wedding coordinator, has heard more than her fair share of horror stories from bridesmaids.
As she put it, "In a majority of the weddings I'm involved in, there is some level of entitlement attitude going on where you have bridesmaids who are suffering silently."
According to Hamilton, brides often fall prey to a powerful cultural expectation that excuses all sorts of bad manners.
"The wedding industry promotes (the idea) that this is your day,' and some people abuse it to the max. And a lot of bridesmaids put up with this ... because they think, It's just going to be my turn some day,'" Hamilton said. "I have whole bookshelves of popular magazines .... (that) encourage brides to treat bridesmaids, and even the groom, as accessories."
The solution, according to Hamilton, is compassion on the bride's part and honesty on the bridesmaid's part.
"Bridesmaids are in an awkward position. Usually they're young women; the majority of time, women don't like conflict, and nobody likes to be labeled the trouble-maker. There's a lot of social dynamics in place to keep people quiet," Hamilton said, but if a bridesmaid has financial constraints or feels that a bride is behaving badly, she should be able to tactfully speak up.
"Sometimes you have to pull them back and say, You need to get a different perspective on this'" _ what Hamilton calls "wounding your friend faithfully."
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The biggest lie a bridesmaid will hear about her dress is "You'll be able to wear it again." But most wardrobes aren't crying out for a floor-length sequined coral chiffon gown. As Norah Doyle of Rainbow's End Weddings and More in Oneonta put it, "Let's face it, unless it's black or red, and it's a cocktail dress, there aren't a lot of occasions where you're going to wear (a bridesmaid's dress) again."
While most bridesmaids won't be subjected to a "Gone With The Wind"-style frock, as seen in "27 Dresses," that doesn't mean the dress is going to become a wardrobe staple, either.
Doyle, who has been in the bridal business for more than 10 years, said while there isn't one dominant trend at the moment, she has seen some changes to bridesmaid styles in recent years.
"Different brides are going to want different styles, but right now, more so than five or 10 years ago, there are more tea-length dresses available," Doyle said; her shop has a whole rack of these shorter gowns, which usually hit between the knee and the bottom of the calf.
For the bride who eschews the cookie-cutter look, it's becoming more accepted to feature similar but not identical bridesmaid's dresses, Doyle said. "If you have someone who's a size 24 who's wearing a fitted, mermaid-style gown, it's not going to look the same on her that it does on the girl who's a size 2," so allowing the maids to pick out their own styles from a given manufacturer can accommodate different body shapes.
Other trends Doyle pointed out were two-tone dresses, featuring a contrasting-color sash or other details, and matched separates. With separates, Doyle said, "the girl with the bigger bust can find something that fits her better, or the one who doesn't want to show her cleavage can find something that's right for her."
Looking around Rainbow's End, it is clear that today's bride has plenty of stylish options when selecting dresses for her maids. From a daffodil-yellow chiffon frock with a playful, pleated skirt to a chic red baby-doll or a sophisticated black cocktail dress, the options seem limitless.
Hamilton agrees that "the stereotype of the fluffy, mid-'80s dress styles," as she put it, is largely a thing of the past. "I think most of the bridesmaids' dresses today are actually really sophisticated," she said _ so prospective bridesmaids, take heart.
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But if sophisticated _ or traditional _ isn't your thing, there are still options out there for you, according to Ariel Meadow Stallings, whose website,
www.offbeatbride.com, and book of the same name offer a panoply of the nontraditional in all its shapes, sizes and colors. Subtitled "Taffeta-free alternatives for independent brides," Stallings' site and book encompass everything from the far-out (circus-themed weddings, tattooed and mohawked couples) to the practical (do-it-yourself advice for invitations, centerpieces, hairstyles and more), with a message throughout of celebrating each bride's individuality.
Herself an offbeat bride, Stallings approached the bridesmaid dilemma for her own wedding with characteristic creativity.
"I didn't have a traditional wedding party, but I did have loads of friends helping me with my wedding and part of how I made it fun for them was by praising and focusing on their skills. I have one friend who's a high-powered corporate type, and she was the most awesome bridal bodyguard ever! It was a win-win _ she felt appreciated and recognized for her skills, and I enjoyed her using them for me on my wedding day," Stallings said in an e-mail interview.
For prospective bridesmaids, Stallings echoed Hamilton's advice about honesty among friends when it comes to the wedding party.
"I think it's really important to have a discussion up-front about what the expectations are. Just ask the bride straight out what she wants and expects from you. If it doesn't sound like your cup of tea, tell her you love her and would love to help with the wedding in some other way, but that you're just not in the right headspace to be the bridesmaid she needs," Stallings said.
Doyle agreed that a good bridesmaid should be able to tell the bride "no" if she needs to _ the very thing that's so hard for Heigl's "27 Dresses" character to do.
"If you can't afford to spend the money on the dress, or if you're just not comfortable doing it, you need to say so. And brides need to have a frank conversation with their bridesmaids about what they can afford," Doyle said, adding that being clear about budget constraints from the beginning can make the whole process go more smoothly.
Finally, Stallings suggests that the best way a bridesmaid can approach a wedding is by viewing her participation as a gift, rather than a burden or an obligation.
"This is the most amazing gift you can possibly give _ your time and magical skills," Stallings said. "If it feels like a burden, you're not helping with the right parts of the wedding."
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