Senior Scene: As Time Goes By: Politicians can make me laugh

May 03, 2008 04:00 am

—

Someone asked me if all my stories are true. The answer is "yes," with minor (and sometimes major) embellishments. It's all there in my confused brain just waiting to spill out and become words on my laptop.

The problem is that sometimes it does not come out in an orderly fashion and I spend hours trying to figure out what I'm trying to say. As I write, this I have no idea what shevltsdr means (and neither does my spell-checker.)

Then you must remember that life itself is to "laugh about," if you just look at it the right way.

For example, take the high cost of gasoline. (I had to spell out "gasoline" because at first I had just "gas" and we all know that there are a lot of interpretations about that, which we will not go into at this time.)

I read in the paper that gasoline consumption had dropped by nearly 1 percent in recent months. (That's good _ it means that the price of gas should come down.)

Then ExxonMobile reports that it had a profit last year of $43 BILLION. That's not good, unless you're the CEO of Exxon.

Then I read that the U.S. House of Representatives wanted to rescind an $18 billion tax break that the largest oil producers are now getting. (For what?)

Now that's almost funny _ imagine getting shafted by the price of gasoline and then giving the companies that are shafting us a tax break to shaft us better. This is where I started to chuckle uncontrollably. Shades of Eliot Spitzer!

Then I read where 61 percent of U.S. corporations pay no taxes at all. I just couldn't help it, I laughed so hard I had to change my Depends.

I have one of those Flex-Fuel cars. I was filling it the other day when a teenager passed me and asked, "What does `Flex-Fuel' mean?"

I told him that it meant that the car could either run on gasoline or water, whichever I choose.

He shook his head, and said "Cool."

I waited for the obvious question of "Why fill it with gasoline instead of water?" He never said another word, however, and I was stuck with the words "I needed to spend some money today _ that's why I chose gasoline," stuck in my craw.

The papers are full of "one liners." The state is going to jump the tax on the price of cigarettes by $1.25 a package and right next to that announcement is the article on the increased concern about "bootleg" cigarettes being sold in New York state without the tax stamp.

In fact criminals are printing twice as many "bogus" stamps in anticipation of the tax increase. This means that we will need to hire more law enforcement personnel to catch the crooks. The added cost of hiring the extra people will exceed the cost of the revenue from the increased tax. Darn! Get me another Depends, I'm on a roll.

How in the world did we get so many stupid people in government? Is there a breeding farm somewhere in the U.S. where first cousins are mating indiscriminately? What happened to "We the people"?

How has Speaker Sheldon Silver become god of everything that happens in New York state? He personally killed bills that would have been a giant step in alleviating the congestion problems in New York City. Where in heaven's name are our elected state senators and representatives? I'm not afraid of Sheldon Silver. Why should they be?

"We the people" want to know. The only way we will get these bums out of office is by term limits.

I thought "We the people" needed to find an answer to all of the above and after asking around I decided to become a "seer." (If seers come in various sizes I will need the extra large size.) I picked up the phone and dialed "The close cover before striking opportunity to become a seer in five easy lessons" or TCCBSOTBAS.

I was assured that TCCBSOTBAS was a school of the highest quality and that the price included all the equipment necessary to become a competent seer.

After waiting six weeks, my package arrived which consisted of a "spell book" the size of an unabridged dictionary, a turban (made in China), a black cape lined with red silk (woven in China by Chinese silkworms) and a big crystal ball (also made in China.) I could hardly wait to get a glimpse into the future and started reading the book, which unfortunately was written in Chinese. (It figures.)

I put on my turban (with the all-seeing eye in the front) and my cape and drew the crystal ball in for sharp scrutiny ready for the first glimpse of what awaits senior citizens in the future.

"Speak to me o crystal ball _ let me see the future for us senior citizens," I intoned as I passed my hands over the crystal ball several times. It became very cloudy and I thought I saw a box of Meow-Mix followed by a cereal bowl and milk (low-fat).

Then I saw a bright rainbow and a giant pot-of-gold with senior citizens romping naked among all those gold coins (this was starting to look good). Then I saw a giant hand labeled IRS coming down taking the rainbow, and the gold coins and leaving just the naked senior citizens.

Since this was nothing new, I decided that the school was nothing but a hoax. and I refused to pay the $19.95 plus $600 shipping and handling charge.

As time goes by, I realized that if the company was that good at foreseeing the future, they should have seen that coming.

Henry Geerken is a three-time NYSUT award-winner writing humorous articles addressing retiree and senior citizen concerns. He can be reached by e-mail at hgeerken@stny.rr.com.