September 08, 2007 10:15 am
—
By Terry Hannum
Contributing Writer
It’s not that you have stopped
being Mom and Dad; it’s just that
the titles no longer define your
real day (and night) job when the
kids leave home. You are no longer
the person in charge of reminding,
the chore-request person, the total
family shopper or the one who
keeps track of your child’s health,
nocturnal habits and important
items on the schedule.
The nesting place of home is
now empty and the impact can
be profound on parents who have
spent the past 18 years or more
giving care to a child. The changes
that take place at this pivotal point
affect some parents much more
than others.
Some guardians are saddened
and feel loneliness, while others
rejoice in the accomplishment of
raising a child to this stage, and
the new freedom it will bring into
their own lives.
A parent who finds the emptynest
change most difficult is typically
a parent who has had a very close
relationship with her child due to
extreme family hardships they faced
together, or a parent who is sending
the youngest child of a large family
off to work or college.
Kathy Greene of Hobart started
saying her goodbyes to her son,
Alex, after helping him pack
belongings for the dorm where he
will stay while attending the State
University College of Agriculture
and Technology at Cobleskill.
“I know that I will see him
during some weekends, semester
breaks and holidays and he still
calls my house ‘home,’” she said,
“but it won’t be the same.”
Several years ago, divorce
brought Greene into the realm of
single parenting through some difficult
times she and Alex weathered
together.
Proud and happy that Alex,
who graduated in June from a high
school in Pennsylvania, is now in
college, there is still a feeling of
emptiness that will take some getting
use to, Greene said.
She plans to do some volunteer
work for a church organization that
has helped her in the past to fill in
the void at her house, she added.
Experts in the field of family
psychology emphasize that this is
the key, knowing that it will take
some getting used to, and that
takes time. The natural state of being
sad and feeling at a loss when a
child goes off to college or relocates
for work is valid _ change
is difficult. Some parents may
brush aside their feelings in social
settings by boasting that the kids
are finally, at long last, out of the
house. That it’s time to celebrate,
do what you want, finally get your
life back are some ideas that might
be voiced, but it also can be a false
bravado in the face of loneliness.
For couples, the empty nest can
be a time to renew interest in each
other.
Child rearing is a binding
goal for some, and when the
job is somewhere near complete,
the relationship can
struggle mightily.
Re-establishing a closeness
that is based on the relationship
of husband and
wife can be a strange experience
and can be like starting
anew.
Members of the Neuhaus
family, who stayed in Delhi
during the summer months,
savored a relaxing lunch at
the Crossroads Café before
Don and Ellen traveled back
to New Jersey, leaving their
daughter Emily to attend
college at the State University
College of Technology at
Delhi.
Both Don and Ellen admit
to some sadness, but said
mostly they will worry about
her and the thousands of
“what ifs…” they can’t help
thinking about.
“It’s all part of the package
when you begin with
pregnancy and raising an
infant; the responsibility,
concern and love don’t stop
when they leave,” Ellen
said.
Websites and group support
gatherings are not difficult
to find for a condition
called “Empty Nest Syndrome.”
It is a profound
depression that can settle in
with parents or caregivers
who are faced with young
adult children who have recently
left home. The natural
ability to “let go” does
not readily take over and the
person is left with regrets
over their parenting skills
or mistakes that were made,
sometimes many years ago.
They can feel a significant
loss of importance and status
within the extended family
and in society as modern
culture does not always
place a great deal of respect
on aging people.
An empty and quiet household
can act as a reminder to
some parents of the nagging
they did over trivial matters.
The regrets themselves
do not serve any purpose
but the awareness of petty
complaints can bring a new
level of patience and tolerance
when the child returns
home for visits. Up to this
point in the child’s life, most
parents involved themselves
with at least some aspects of
the youth’s life management.
Knowing that their children
will make mistakes on their
own, that these mistakes are
part of a crucial learning
experience, can help emptynester
parents stay at a distance,
allowing for errors to
be made.
Celebration of change can
be easier said than done for
many parents who are new
to the empty nest. But Marie
Cantos of Jefferson said she
is in the mood to celebrate.
The Cantos family’s middle
child, John, is off to college
at the University of Michigan.
This is a long way from
home, and the family members
have concerns and worries,
along with knowing that
they will miss him greatly _
but there is still cause for
celebration. John will be the
first in the family to attend
college, and that is a source
of tremendous pride, Cantos
said.
She said that John has
always helped with things
around the house and
helped his father with automotive
repairs, so his contributions
to the family will
be missed. But nothing can
replace their happiness that
he is continuing his education
and will someday be a
college graduate, she said.
One of the greatest days
of parenting can be the day
that a child is ready to begin
a life of independence.
All the protecting, care and
teaching that a parent has
done can be summarized on
this day. Parents who have
gone through the early days
of the empty nest can usually
be found laughing at the idea
of their children being gone.
One father stated that he has
seen more of his son and had
more conversations with him
since he “left home” than in
the years they lived under
the same roof.
A newly empty nest household
is a place of change with
redefining roles, establishing
new relationships and
accepting that this is a good
and healthy state to be in.
The status of Mom and
Dad has not changed, just
the job description. The
nest of home and family is
never really empty because
the young who have taken
flight will always remember
where the safety and support
of home is.
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