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Lifestyles

October 22, 2011

As Time Goes By: You just might be politician material if ...

I had been grouchy and gruff for over a week and my wife, Diane, said to me, "You need to vent some pent up anger _ why not write an article about being a politician? It will drain away all what ails you."

I snarled, "Great idea," and fired up the old PC.

I guess the place to start would be to state that not every politician fits the requirements that I will be presenting in the following article. (But most of them do.)

What makes a person choose a lifetime of public service? Is it the power? (Yes) Is it the fantastic health and dental plans? (Yes) Is it the salary? (Yes) Is it all the fringe benefits, like spending time in South America with someone other than your wife? (Yes) Is it the fact that you have no conscience? (Yes) and Do you have an aversion to hard labor? (Yes)

As usual I had no idea where to start, but as I was walking down to the mailbox to get my morning paper (The Daily Star) I saw a matchbook cover that stated, "Draw Elmo _ you may have a career in graphic arts." Right next to it was another match book stating, "Do you want to live on easy street? Become a politician." I plucked it from the gutter and ran to the house.

At what point does a person start to consider a political career? How, is that choice made? CCBSCC (Close cover before striking career counseling) has the answer. Just read the following guides:

If you think that Jefferson Davis is buried in Grant's Tomb, you might be politician material.

If you think that you have two left feet (and do), you might be politician material.

If you think the Grand Canyon is part of the Panama Canal, you might be politician material.

If you voted for Victor Quasimodo or Bugs Bunny in the last election, you might be politician material.

If you have five fingers on one hand and six on the other, you might be politician material. (It comes in handy at budget time and counting votes.)

If you thought a 50 on an IQ test meant that you got half the questions right you, might be politician material.

If your wife says she is making chili and you get out the extra blanket, you might be politician material.

If the last time you attended church you heard someone pop a beer can during the sermon, you might be politician material.

If you think an outhouse is a building on the property line, you might be politician material.

If you take a bath in the same tub your momma washes the dishes in, you might be politician material.

If you think that you will make a lot of tip money carrying trunks for elephants, you might be politician material.

If you thought the joke about the politician who was so crooked that when he fell he screwed himself into the ground was funny, you might be politician material.

If you think that passing a budget without reading it is funny, you might be politician material.

If you can grab a wallet out of a back trouser pocket or from a pocketbook without anyone knowing it or seeing you, you might be politician material.

If you think Attica is the top story of a newspaper, you might be politician material.

If you think that a telephone consists of two empty cans of Bush's Baked Beans and some string, you might be politician material.

If you honestly believe that laws were made for other people to follow but you are exempt, you might be politician material.

If you think that you should get a pay increase while blue collar workers are taking cuts in salaries and benefits, you might be politician material.

If you think that pulling Uncle Joel's finger will enable you to hear a band playing a Sousa march, you might be politician material.

If you think the expression "garbage in garbage out" refers to a change in government, you might be politician material.

If you think that the slogan "The pause that refreshes," refers to Wild Turkey whisky, you might be politician material.

If you think that "Manny" "Moe" and "Mac" are first names of men in the state Senate, you might be politician material.

If you think that there are 23 letters in the alphabet, you might be politician material.

If you think that a "bejillian dollars" is petty cash, you might be politician material.

If you think a "white-collar worker" is a church official, you might be politician material.

If you think that Albany is on the Canadian border, you might be politician material.

If you think Santa's cry of "Ho! Ho! Ho!" is a sexist slur, you might be politician material.

If you think that a salary above $330 per day for a part-time job as a senator in Albany is not enough for what you do, you might be politician material.

If you put a cuff on your new pants or a hem on a new dress by stapling it, you might be politician material.

If you think that giving a credit card with no limits to a teenager is a smart thing, you might be politician material

If you can think of any other criteria for going into politics, just email your witty words to me.

Henry Geerken is a three-time NYSUT award-winner writing humorous articles addressing retiree and senior citizen concerns. Geerken also writes for Sail-World, World Cruising Newsletter, regarding his many humorous sailing episodes through the years. He can be reached by email at hgeerken@stny.rr.com. 'Senior Scene' columns can be found at www.thedailystar.com/ seniorscene.

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