A peek, my friends, into the not-so-distant future:
"Please ... everyone ... please stay with the tour. There will be plenty of time for you to individually visit all the other exhibits after we get through this area of the Baseball Hall of Fame.
"I'd like to welcome you all to Cooperstown. As most of you know, this Steroid Users Wing of the Hall was instituted way back in 2009 shortly after it was discovered that Alex Rodriguez had failed a 2003 test for illegal performance-enhancing drugs.
"The Steroid Wing is, as you can see, by far the largest section in the entire building.
"The Baseball Writers' Association of America _ which decides which players get to be inducted and which don't _ was faced with the difficult task of what to do with all the superstars who ... well ... cheated their way to success.
"It was that pesky Rule 5 that was keeping such notables as Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa from being voted into the Hall. You can read it here on this plaque:
"Voting shall be based upon the player's record, playing ability, integrity, sportsmanship, character, and contributions to the team or teams on which the player played."
"All of those wonderful players I've just mentioned would have been voted in to the regular Hall had it not been for the 'integrity' and 'character' requirements.
"Among those noble scribes, there was disagreement over whether players should be denied a place in the Hall just because they were cheaters and liars.
"Unpleasantness was rampant, fueled by fans who have nothing better to do than incessantly call in to radio sports talk shows.
"The argument before we built this wing for admitting steroid users was basically that if you removed every inductee who beat his wife, abused drugs or alcohol or committed various crimes, you could hold the next Hall of Fame gathering in a phone booth.
"What is that, young lady? What is a phone booth? Oh, I'm sorry. It was a small enclosure in which a person could insert coins and make a telephone call.
"No, really. I'm not making that up.
"But we digress. The sportswriters, faced with a sticky situation, came up with the perfect solution, and that's why we find ourselves today in the Steroids Users Wing.
"Ah, here we are at the Rafael Palmeiro exhibit. That is the index finger Palmeiro thrust toward a congressional panel in 2005 while denying he ever used steroids.
"And here is the suspension papers he received when he failed a steroid test just five months later.
"How did we obtain Mr. Palmeiro's actual finger? Madam, may I remind you that this is the Baseball Hall of Fame. Most players would do anything to get even a part of themselves into it.
"Moving on, ladies and gentlemen, please direct your attention to the big screen and our video hookup with the Lawrenceville, Va., federal prison cell of Roger Clemens, a recent inductee into this wing of the Hall.
"Oh, there is the great pitcher now. He's waving something at us. Yes, it's the jagged part of the broken bat he threw _ possibly in a steroid rage _ at Mets catcher Mike Piazza in the 2000 World Series.
"Everybody wave back at Roger, and look, there's his cellmate, Barry Bonds, another baseball immortal who thought he could get away with committing perjury.
"Everybody wave hello to Barry. See how he's showing us that he still thinks he's the No. 1 home run hitter of all time. At least I think that's what that upraised finger means.
"Please stay in line, folks, as I commend to your attention the plaque devoted to the Major League Baseball Players Association, which fought so strongly against testing their union members for steroids.
"Here is the plaque recognizing the contribution of baseball owners, who conveniently looked the other way while players were ruining their bodies and the integrity of the game.
"Finally, here we are at the Steroid Wing's tribute to its greatest inductee. Yes, it's Jose Canseco, who made a career out of using steroids, human growth hormones and hitting home runs.
"His autobiography _ available in our lobby _ was called Juiced, Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big.' "In it, he claimed to have injected with steroids Mark McGwire, Rafael Palmeiro, Juan Gonzalez, Ivan Rodriguez and Jason Giambi, among many others.
"He was known as one of the biggest liars in baseball history, but strangely enough, most of Canseco's claims have turned out to be true.
"That's the end of our tour, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for visiting. Please come back soon. You can count on more and more players being inducted into the steroid wing every year."
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Sam Pollak is editor of The Daily Star. He can be reached at spollak@thedailystar.com or at (607) 432-1000, ext. 208.
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