Due to popular demand (well, truth be known, no one has demanded it, or for that matter, even requested it, but hey, it's popular with me), I hereby present The Third Annual Sammy Awards.
My eponymous Sammies are getting so prestigious that Al Gore will soon be clamoring for one. After all, what profiteth a man if he gains an Emmy, an Academy Award and a Nobel Peace Prize, if he does not win a Sammy?
Al, you didn't make it this time, buddy. Better luck next year.
___
The "Stream of Consciousness" Sammy goes to:
The state of New Mexico Transportation Department.
Back in February, New Mexico ordered 500 talking urinal cakes.
I'm not making that up.
For the benefit of females who may never have seen a urinal cake, or for that matter, a men's room urinal, its intention is to disinfect and deodorize while guys stand there and do their business on it.
New Mexico's urinal cakes were programmed to deliver a recorded message in bar and restaurant men's rooms discouraging drunken driving.
Sounds like a rather jarring experience even if a fellow is stone-cold sober. After all, one doesn't want to be impolite to something that's talking to you.
The "Close Only Counts in Horseshoes and Hand Grenades" Sammy goes to:
A 74-year-old Italian grandmother.
Reuters reported in February this quote from Olga Mauriello, who bought what she thought was a sack of potatoes in Naples, Italy.
"I found a bomb in the potatoes," said Olga.
"I went to the market to buy some potatoes and that's where the bomb was. But this bomb was covered in dirt, and I put it in water and got all the dirt off. And then I realized It's a bomb!'"
Actually, it was a live pine cone-shaped hand grenade of the type used by U.S. soldiers in World War II. Authorities said it came from a farm in France where it was apparently gathered up with a bunch of potatoes.
As for Olga, she was just happy she didn't cook the grenade.
"If I hadn't felt its weight," she said, "I wouldn't even have realized that it was a bomb."
The "It Seemed Like a Good Idea At The Time" Sammy goes to:
Two real "Jackasses."
In March, two guys in Eau Claire, Wis., tried a stunt from one of the "Jackass" movies in which a character sets his genitals on fire.
Jared W. Anderson, 20, suffered serious burns to his hands and genitals, according to a criminal complaint.
Randell D. Peterson, 43, who sprayed lighter fluid on Anderson and lit him on fire, was charged with felony battery and first-degree reckless endangerment.
Witnesses said Anderson was very possibly inebriated _ big surprise there _ when he pulled down his pants and let Peterson spray him with lighter fluid. When the fire didn't catch, Peterson sprayed more lighter fluid on Anderson, which apparently did the trick.
His goodies on fire, Anderson ran into the bathroom, jumped into a tub and put the flames out. He was treated at a hospital for second-degree burns.
We can only hope his injuries didn't make him miss his next Mensa meeting.
The "Educator of the Year" Sammy goes to:
A Toronto elementary school principal.
The Toronto Star reported in April that Maria Pantalone, 49, sister of Deputy Mayor Joe Pantalone, was so fed up with the behavior of a couple of children that she threw feces on them.
The principal was charged with two counts of assault, Those must have been some rotten kids, because 19 members of the school staff wrote a letter to the court supporting her.
"I couldn't take it anymore," she said.
The "Student of the Year" Sammy goes to:
A Clearwater, Fla., student-athlete.
Tayler Tillung, 18, who was a senior at Palm Harbor University High School, "mooned" a female drama teacher.
He "suddenly and without thinking about the consequences" showed her his backside, then for emphasis, spread "his buttocks for an instant."
Young Tayler was suspended for six days, transferred to another school and prevented from playing varsity baseball and graduating from dear old Palm Harbor University High.
His parents, in the best tradition of child-(excuse me)rearing, sued the school to reinstate their son and pay their lawsuit costs.
Their attorney said the Palm Harbor's Code of Student Conduct has 34 specific acts of student misconduct that could result in suspension, reassignment or expulsion, and "mooning" is not one of them.
Circuit Judge John A. Schaefer, according to a story in the St. Petersburg Times, ruled for the school, adding that if a policeman had seen Taylor, he could have been "arrested on the spot for indecent exposure."
"He committed a stupid act," Schaefer said. "There are consequences for that."
The "The Boy Looks a Little Flushed" Sammy goes to:
The can-do British firefighters in Braintree, Essex.
One day in April, according to Reuters, a mom walked into a Braintree fire station and informed the firefighters that her 21/2-year-old son had a toilet seat stuck on his head.
It seems the toddler put his head through the small trainer seat and couldn't get it out.
"His mum had tried to get it over his head but couldn't budge it, so she walked him down here and asked us to have a look at it, and we went to work and we managed to get it off in no time," firefighter Chris Cox said.
"We simply put some dish-washing liquid on his head and ears and it slid off nice as pie."
As for the boy, Cox said he had been "very brave" and "toddled away as happy as can be."
The "The Devil Made Me Do It, Part I" Sammy goes to:
Utah County District 65 Republican Chairman Don Larsen.
Presumably not the same fellow who threw that perfect game for the Yankees in 1956, Larsen submitted a formal resolution against Lucifer to the Utah County Republican Convention in April.
"In order for Satan to establish his New World Order' and destroy the freedom of all people as predicted in the scriptures, he must first destroy the U.S.," Larsen's resolution stated. "[It is] insidious for its stealth and innocuousness."
Larsen's idea to foil Satan's plan?
Keep out illegal immigrants to "prevent the destruction of the U.S. by stealth invasion."
The "The Devil Made Me Do It, Part II" Sammy goes to:
A Michigan woman who had Satan living in her attic.
According to ClickOnDetroit.com., the Michigan Supreme Court agreed to review a sexual assault case involving allegations against pastor Gennaro Piscopo and the devil.
In 2003, Piscopo, 55, was convicted of sexually assaulting a female member of the Evangel Christian Church in Roseville, Mich., while expelling the devil from the woman's body.
The justices agreed to hear the case because a key piece of testimony was not allowed. Court records indicate that the woman said she "had been raped by a demon" and sexually assaulted by Satan, who she claimed was living in her attic at the time of the exorcism, which was witnessed by about 100 people.
There was no testimony concerning what she charged the devil for rent or whether utilities were included.
The "How Come I Ain't Dead?" Sammy goes to:
John Brandrick of London, England.
Mr. Brandrick, 62, was told by doctors two years ago that he had only a year to live because of pancreatic cancer.
So, according to Reuters, he quit his job, sold or gave away everything he owned, stopped paying his mortgage and spent his savings on restaurants and vacations.
The funny thing is, Brandrick didn't have pancreatic cancer. All he had was a non-life-threatening inflammation of the pancreas. Now, he wants the hospital to compensate him for not dying.
"I'm really pleased that I've got a second chance in life," he said after the hospital said it won't pay him anything. "But if you haven't got no money after all this, which is my fault _ I spent it all _ they should pay something back."
The "What Was the Name of That Drink Again?" Sammy goes to:
The makers of "Boost Plus."
In June, the Associated Press reported that a New York man sued the health-drink company because the vitamin-enriched beverage gave him an erection that wouldn't go away and caused him to be hospitalized.
Novartis AG is being sued by Christopher Woods, whose court papers say he woke up the morning after drinking the stuff "with an erection that would not subside."
Woods, 29, sought treatment at a hospital for severe priapism, underwent two surgical procedures and seeks unspecified damages.
In case you're wondering, Novartis' Boost Plus website describes the drink as "a great-tasting, high-calorie, nutritionally complete oral supplement for people who require extra energy and protein in a limited volume."
It's available in vanilla, chocolate and strawberry.
The "Grandfather of the Year" Sammy goes to:
A grandpa in Jacksonville, Fla.
News4Jax.com reported in November that the 77-year-old gentleman didn't recognize his own grandson and brought home the wrong 4-year-old kid from elementary school.
Every school day at 1:30, the pre-K students and teachers line up in front of Long Branch Elementary School.
The grandpa, whose name was not released, was given a little boy named Zacari and gave him a ride home on his bike. The trouble was, it wasn't Zacari's home.
"They don't have the same name," said Zacari's stressed-out mother, Latoia Gillis. "They don't even look alike."
Meanwhile, Zacari's aunt, who had come to pick up the boy, was panic-stricken.
"I was thinking the worst," she said. "I was crying. I was shaking."
Little Zacari said it was the grandfather's wife who realized the mistake.
"She said, You got the wrong kid,'" Zacari said.
Grandpa then dutifully returned to the school with Zacari.
The school district promised to change its policies and punish the teachers involved. Grandpa, meanwhile, insists the kids do look alike, and he's sticking to his story.
The "Enlightened Government Leadership" Sammy goes to:
Gov. Sergei Morozov of the Russian region of Ulyanovsk.
The Denver Post reported that to battle Russia's low birth rate, Ulyanovsk declared Sept. 12 the Day of Conception, and for the third consecutive year gave couples time off from work to _ well _ conceive.
Exactly nine months from that date is the country's national day. Those who "give birth to a patriot" June 12 can win money, cars, refrigerators and other stuff.
The 2007 grand prize went to Irina and Andrei Kartuzov, who earned an SUV for their ... uh ... patriotism.
The "Don't You Just Hate When That Happens?" Sammy goes to:
Charles and Linda Everson of Westland, Mich.
The Eversons were minding their own business, celebrating their first wedding anniversary with a November drive to scenic Manson, Wash., when their minivan was struck by a falling cow.
Yes, a falling cow.
The 600-pound bovine had plummeted 200 feet off a cliff before it landed on the hood of their vehicle.
The local fire chief opined that the couple missed being killed by a matter of inches.
They were fine, but the unfortunate cow had to be euthanized.
Everson, 49, told the Associated Press that he didn't see the cow falling and didn't know what happened until afterward.
He said he just kept repeating: "I don't believe this. I don't believe this."
Believe it, fella. That cow got you a Sammy that Al Gore would give the whole environment to own.
___
Sam Pollak is editor of The Daily Star. He can be reached at spollak@thedailystar.com or (607) 432-1000, ext. 208.
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