Wanda suspects that Harold is the father of her sister Ruby’s two children. Jerry brings out Ruby, and before she’s halfway across the stage, the sisters are throwing punches and grabbing each others’ hair.
Some brawny security folks keep it from getting too brutal, but after things calm down a bit, the sisters are right back to brawling while the studio audience — for some reason — chants Springer’s first name: “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!”
After things settle down again, Springer brings out Harold, and we find out that he is a pre-op transsexual and doesn’t want anything to do with either sister or their offspring, and the fighting resumes.
History teaches us that the ancient Roman Emperor Caligula planned to make his horse, Incitatus, a consul. Caligula had nothing on Jerry Springer, who once ran an episode called “I Married a Horse.’’
I’m not making that up.
The trouble was, I couldn’t stop bearing witness each day to the overwhelming evidence Mr. Springer and his guests were providing that our civilization is doomed. On the following Monday morning, the Daily Star limousine driver found me on my knees, unshaven and sobbing in front of the TV while chanting, “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!”
I’m back at work, and I’m better now. Really I am.
But I’m never going on vacation again.
Sam Pollak is the editor of The Daily Star. He can be reached at email@example.com or at 432-1000, ext. 208. His columns can be found at www.thedailystar.com/sampollak.