Through the long decades, I have managed to retain the ability to really, really annoy people, especially, it seems, nice people.
"I shoot first, and ask questions later."
"My father! -- methinks I see my father."
I wish everybody would just quit bugging me about it.
Many of us who toil day after dogged day at our nation's newspapers to do the work of the angels -- informing a grateful public all about what we think it should know -- have a profound interest in two books that have stood the test of time.
This Sheldon Adelson guy makes me very nervous.
You know how it is with this one particular minority group. I'm pretty sure you know which one I'm talking about here.
Discuss politics or religion in any establishment that specializes in dispensing alcohol, and -- proprietors warn -- the discussion is highly likely to result in you waking up on the tavern floor and spitting out teeth, probably your own.
Full disclosure here: I have not surveyed the views of every one of the nearly 7 billion people on Earth who do not live in the United States. Still I feel on solid ground when I submit that the rest of the world must surely believe that Americans are crazy.
Every newspaper editor I know has the same philosophy about ghastly mistakes.
OK, now I'm good and angry. After eight years of pounding the keys until my fingerprints wear off while producing my coveted Sammy Awards, I discover that something called Security Sales and Integration (SSI) Magazine is attempting to horn in on my good name with its own Sammy Awards.
"Tuck this column you wrote away in your scrapbook ... it will one day prove to be a source of great embarrassment for you."
For the record -- and to ease the burden of research for my future biographers -- I was eating a tuna fish sandwich … on white bread … with lettuce and mayo.
This …. well … could have happened.
"I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words. ... When I was young, we were taught to be discreet and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly (disrespectful) and impatient of restraint."
I blame the liberals.
Compared with -- say -- the practices of ancient Rome, the penalties for failure of character or performance on today's athletic fields could be considered rather mild.
Exhausted from a nonstop regimen of doing nothing, members of Congress -- the best politicians money can buy -- are badly in need of a vacation.
After a professional lifetime of chronicling the feats and foibles of politicians, I got to wondering what it might be like to become one.
All those girls who turned me down when I was single and asked them if they'd like to go to a movie with me don't know how fortunate they were.