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Senior scene

January 11, 2014

As Time Goes By: There are many things I'm glad I didn't do in my lifetime

The other day, someone told me that there would come a time when I would consider looking at my “plus and minuses.” They intimated that I still had time to reconcile any deficits in my character before pleading my case to the judge in the hereafter.

There are a number of things that I am glad that I didn’t do, and one on the top of my list is jumping off from a bridge attached to a bungee cord.

I suffer from vertigo looking over the edge of a picnic table, so just looking over the edge of a bridge would bring my breakfast and my big toe up to be heaved into the atmosphere. Add to that would be the fact that the bungee cord would have a break strength of 370 pounds and I scale in at 371. Snap goes the weasel and splat goes the Geerken.

Tall buildings that sway in strong winds also bother me. I was thrilled to learn that, in a high wind, a tall building that I was touring would sway 17 inches out of vertical. My interest always lies with “How much sway equals no tours today?”

For example, if you had a heavy gust causing a deflection of 20 inches, would the building just keep on going? At what floor would it just snap off, or would it be ripped up by the subway?

I’m glad I never got the urge to swim the English Channel or the Straits of Florida. For one thing, I would probably end up swimming to Cuba the wrong way and sharks would be waiting off the coast of France for that famous sushi dinner, Geerken. I probably would be skewered. (In more ways than one.)

I’m glad I never went on a safari. I hate the thought of eating grubs and mealy worms for supper. (Fried or sautéed)

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