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March 8, 2014

As Time Goes By: Identity thieves, beware of what you would get with me

I like to make slogans for each year of my birth. For example, when I was 75 I was “still alive,” when I was 76 I was “learning new tricks,” and this year on turning 77 I have “One foot in heaven.” (With the other on the “slippery slope.”)

As I was writing, this my television was yammering about “identity theft.” This got me thinking about what my liability would be to someone who stole mine. I mean someone might steal my identity thinking they were getting easy street or the world famous writer for The Daily Star when in truth they would be getting something that included a lot of problems.

Beware to those who are interested in stealing my identity — First of all I will hunt you down. Secondly, all my plumbing leaks — sometimes badly — in the middle of the night — while still in bed. Nothing kills a good restful sleep better than waking and finding yourself doing the backstroke in a shallow pond of …. Whatever?

With the ingestion of two 80 mg Lasix tablets each day you are not the master of all you survey. Instead your first observation when walking into a store is the location of the men’s room. Distance is a critical issue because after five steps all bets are off.

After five steps you go from “gotta go,” to “already gone.” Finding a men’s room in any establishment is easy — just look for a cluster of old “geezers” huddled in a crowd and you will spot a rest room nearby.

Besides the leaking pipe I have neuropathy in both my feet. This manifests itself starting on the bottom of my feet going north up around the calf of my leg. The bottom of my feet feel like I am walking on a sidewalk loaded with burning hot coals while the calf pain manifests itself with thousands of needles in my leg. If I am seated, the pain in both my legs is so severe I cannot keep them still and they are in constant motion either twitching or almost spinning around on my ankle axis. I have little control over them. If the television were broken, I could watch them for hours. I take pills to “quiet things down,” but the things that cause this problem only sneer and laugh at my minuscule efforts and, in fact, I think they welcome them by serving them as the entree’.

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